good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
