opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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