I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
