Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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