Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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