We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
