I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
