I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
