I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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