just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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