i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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