I could make wine with my vomit
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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