I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
