Please, let me fuck your mom
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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