i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
