i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
