do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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