I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
