awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
