dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
