One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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