I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
