If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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