I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
