He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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