Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just pee around me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
