what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
