I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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