Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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