don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
