Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
