I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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