she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
