i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
