At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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