Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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