:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
