I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
