i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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