I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
