We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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