i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
be right there i have to get my cape
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
