I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
