he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
