I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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