guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
