I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
