i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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