i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
