This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She bit a glass in half.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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