Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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